Someone, somewhere, something.

I feel like someone is painting my portrait throughout the years. Adding one trait at a time, one quality, one flaw. Like I am becoming my self more and more every day. More complete, but also more complex, detailed. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I have this weird flash when I think of something, anything really, and think "Oh yeah, this is SO me.". Or I am in the bus and suddenly I discover new things I didn't even know were part of me. Like someone, somewhere, added something on my portrait, someone working on my mind, drawing more details, like a painter. Like someone as been working on my person during the night. An external hand on this giant canvas representing my body, my mind, my soul. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make sense for everyone. It does for me. We just change over the years, we get better or worse, our skin gets darker, lighter, our laugh can gets darker or lighter too.......Like an artist who is painting, drawing, sculpting. An artist wants to achieve perfection but does he ever succeed? Is there such a thing? Are we are trying to be so fucking perfect because we are in the hands of someone else trying to make us perfect? Someone somewhere is working on me. Another one is working on you. We all are some kind of unfinished masterpiece, the big project of an artist. As you know, working too much on something sometimes makes it look worst. You went too far. You need to let it go and admire what you've done so far, appreciate it, because if you can't stop, breathe, look at it, you'll never, ever get close to perfection. Maybe you already are. Just stop being, doing, thinking too much. That's how I see it.

"The world's got me dizzy again. You'd think after 23 years I'd get used to the spin. And it only feels worse when I stay in one place. So that's why I gotta run away." Something like that. Bright Eyes.

Medley

Hola.

Definetly a bad, bad blogger. Oh well. What have I accomplished so far this summer, since my return to my beloved Montréal? Not much. OUI, I played some music. A lot of guitar actually. A lot of reading. Lame writing. Worked in a boring office, 8 to 5, monday to friday. Everything I did NOT want in a job. Why am I doing it? Because it's easy. The opportunity presented itself so out of nowhere, it was easier to say "yeah sure" then "no thanks". Because that would have mean EXPLAINING myself. Why do you not want a job? Why don't you take it? Then waste my energy explaining my reasons that are pretty good, aka ITS NOT ME, I HATE OFFICE TASKS, and I'M NOT GOOD AT STAYING BETWEEN 4 WALLS 9 HOURS A DAY. And then it would have been: Why? Why can't you do like everyone else? Life isn't just travels, and fairytales and fun Catherine. Be real. And then it would turn into an argument and I'd waste even more enery. So I said, "Yeah sure I'll do it" and "thanks".

Result : getting up at 6hrs30am every morning. Getting home. Too demoralized to do anything because of a shitty day. Procrastinate. Go to bed around 1am. Not enough sleep. Tired. Too much coffee. Yellow teeth. Shut up Catherine. At least you have a job.


Okay what else? Oh yeah so I finally, for good, decisws who's worth it, and who's not. Who deserves my attention, and who doesn't. It was hard my friends, to detach myself from the one I loved with all my heart but I think I finally did it. Hard breakup. But it's for the best. A door closed, a window open. And I think it's already opened :)


I wanna help out this friend of mine who has started a foundation called The Thirst Project. I wanna organize a show, all the benefits would go this foundation. Seth Maxwell is such an inspiring young man! He works his ass off for this foundation and I wanna have a part in its success, even just a small one. I want to contribute. I want to be a World's citizen. We all should. Anyway, here's the link http://www.thirstproject.org/

What kind of post is this anyway? I'm so all over the place.


It's stupid. I had all these ideas all week for my blog "oh I'll talk about this! and I'll write that, omigod this is great and I'll post pictures and blablabla....." FAILED. Can't remember any. I should have done it ON THE SPOT! Ugh. Okay. This weekend. Before Sunday night. I will write at least 2 more posts. Promise to myself. I will. Commitment. Oh jesus.


Enough for tonight.


I'm disgusted by my self.


Catherine
xoxo

Home not so sweet Home

Sooooo this is it. My one year trip has ended June 15th 2011. Got back to Montreal. Not feeling so good about it. "Not so good" is an understatement. I lost all motivation, energy. I just wanna leave again, ASAP. I wake up every morning feeling low low low. Cry randomly. Maybe its time to see a psy? I don't know. But I need to get the hell out before I go nutso. I need spaces and empty fields, big forests and mountains and the ocean. I'm thinking Vancouver? God I hate this feeling. Its like there's huge pressure on my shoulders that I can't take off. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I take my guitar and play and sing, then I feel like a fucking idiot with no talents at all and I wonder why I even try.

That's low isn't it? What am I doing, where am I going?? I have no more money (but okay the trip was SO worth it). I'm happy to see my family and friends tho, don't get me wrong.

I know some days I will feel better and positive and wawawa. But as of right now I can't see light. I miss the West, I miss my girls and Zach. I miss being free, by myself. Yesterday I went to Jazz festival with a friend and I was watching the bands and singers and musicians and it was just clear in my head that THIS is what I wanna do. nothing else. I don't know where to start and right now if I might be harsh to myself I just feel like a fucking LOSER. I'm probably the World's Least Confident Person. I owned this title. I'm crazy. Tomorrow I might have a YEAH I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD NOTHING CAN STOP ME moment, and then BOOM, back to the worst state of  "I'm a bum, kill me". Jesus.

I think that writing those words gives me a little "come on Kate ur better than that" motivation. I CAN DO THIS. Okay. Just, get your shit together. See? I'm nuts already.

But fuck it. I have the right to complain and be down. Today I feel fat, ugly, stupid, horrible, dumb and gross. Hopefully tomorow will be a brighter day.

Sorry I took so long to post. (More sorry to myself, since this was a test at commitment) bbbbbllllaaaaahhhhhhh I hate shortening words with letters but today is FML day. YA. FMFL. fuck my fucking life.

I needed to vent.

Love, Catherine. xxxx