We'll All Float On

And we'll all float on, okay.....



Bad news come, don't you worry even when it lands.....

Good news will work its way to all them plans........

Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way........

Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy......

Alright, now don't you worry, we'll all float on, we'll all float on alright.

Float On, by Modest Mouse.

Just whatever.

I think one of the reasons I left Montreal is because I was sick of trying to be someone I am not. To please the crowd, please my friends, my family. I think people around me always thought I'd be the one to get a quiet simple job, a family with 2-3 kids, a house, all that kind of things.

I don't think I've ever shown them my adventurous side, my wild side. I don't know why. Maybe I got scared they wouldn't approve of my desire to explore, to do things differently. I've always been an A student, good grades, good behaviors, lots of friends, blablabla. Thought I'd go straight to University, get my degree, get a job, get married, have a bunch of kids and whatnot.

But that is far from what I want. I'm 23. I don't know what I wanna do, I don't wanna stress about it, because I don't wanna rush into decisions that I will regret. I'm living day by day and so far I'm very happy with what I do. I met such nice people here in the West, I discovered so much about myself. I realized I'm stronger than I thought, I'm more responsible, I can do things way better on my own. I'm proud to be different here in Calgary. French-Canadian. YEAH!!!!!!! I have more of an "artist soul" that I thought I have.

 I wanna feel free. The only contradiction here is that, I am an eternal, hopeless romantic, and love and relationships are taking a lot of my energy. It brings me down too. I give it too much importance. I need to let go, let go of the obviously wrong one. Okay maybe he isn't the wrong one, but right now, he obviously doesn't know what he got, and I'm trying to force him to see it, and he knows, but whatever. That's another story. What I'm trying to say is that I should be like "fuck off. I deserve better." and even though I said it out loud, I secretly hope that he'll come around, on one knee, say sorry for everything he did and tell me how much he loves me and how amazing I am. See?! Dammit.

And it's not like I'm alone. Oh no!! K, that sounds pretentious, but hey, I like to think that I am a pretty girl, and to prove that, I get hit on all the time, get multiple phone # whenever I go out, so I guess that means I'm not too bad to look at, right? So I don't fear to be alone. And I actually enjoy being alone. I don't know what it is.

It takes me forever to be comfortable with someone, to feel good and trust someone, and I don't wanna have t go through all that hard and long process again with someone new. And right now I'm still (unfortunately) in love with that stupid asshole. YA I SAID IT. ASSHOLE. He has changed, he used to be nothing like an asshole. Anyways. Wow I needed to vent. Back on track baby, I'm single, I'm pretty, and there's so much out there for me!!

Boy, you're gonna miss me.

Love,

Catherine

xxxx

Tangled up

Lies. Lies. Lies. More lies. All tangled up in your lies. Someone please make my heart as cold as ice.

 I can't go forward, you're keeping me close and I can't move on. Every time I take a step you pull me back. It's like invisible strings, and you're pulling them in the distance.

You cut one string, I have more freedom, I can move, I can breathe and I can think. You cut one more and I feel like I'm losing my balance. I kinda like it, I get used to it. I want more space, I want to run, take a few, a lot more, steps forward. Then, you come back, pull another string, wrap another one, add a couple, and I'm back to where I was.

Let me be careless please.

At some point in your life, you start to realize who truly cares about you. You might not be close with them, but for some strange reason, they have found something in you that makes them want to stand by your side no matter what.

The sad thing is that sometimes, the people YOU care about the most, the ones you give your everything, well they don't care about you. They might be pretending, you might believe they are when they are not. Or maybe, MAYBE, they really do, but they aren't good at showing it so then how can you believe they really do care? I'm skeptical about that last one though. To me, it's not hard to show someone I care about them. I'm far from being perfect, but I put lots of energy to show the people I love how much I care about them, just to make sure, when the hard times come, that they know I'll be by their side, no matter what.

I guess at some point you have to let go. If it's not worth it, if they don't give a sh*t about you, let go. It makes it even harder to do so, because YOU CARE. You wish you didn't. You wish you could forget about them and erase them of your life. Some old friends I had in the past hurt me. More than anyone ever did. They betrayed me, they stabbed me in the back, but I still care about them. I really do. I will always be there, and as cheesy as it might sound, it's true. I don't know what's going on in their lives, but if they ever need me again, I will be there by their side, no matter what.

And then you wish, "maybe they just didn't know how to show it".