Sooooo this is it. My one year trip has ended June 15th 2011. Got back to Montreal. Not feeling so good about it. "Not so good" is an understatement. I lost all motivation, energy. I just wanna leave again, ASAP. I wake up every morning feeling low low low. Cry randomly. Maybe its time to see a psy? I don't know. But I need to get the hell out before I go nutso. I need spaces and empty fields, big forests and mountains and the ocean. I'm thinking Vancouver? God I hate this feeling. Its like there's huge pressure on my shoulders that I can't take off. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I take my guitar and play and sing, then I feel like a fucking idiot with no talents at all and I wonder why I even try.
That's low isn't it? What am I doing, where am I going?? I have no more money (but okay the trip was SO worth it). I'm happy to see my family and friends tho, don't get me wrong.
I know some days I will feel better and positive and wawawa. But as of right now I can't see light. I miss the West, I miss my girls and Zach. I miss being free, by myself. Yesterday I went to Jazz festival with a friend and I was watching the bands and singers and musicians and it was just clear in my head that THIS is what I wanna do. nothing else. I don't know where to start and right now if I might be harsh to myself I just feel like a fucking LOSER. I'm probably the World's Least Confident Person. I owned this title. I'm crazy. Tomorrow I might have a YEAH I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD NOTHING CAN STOP ME moment, and then BOOM, back to the worst state of "I'm a bum, kill me". Jesus.
I think that writing those words gives me a little "come on Kate ur better than that" motivation. I CAN DO THIS. Okay. Just, get your shit together. See? I'm nuts already.
But fuck it. I have the right to complain and be down. Today I feel fat, ugly, stupid, horrible, dumb and gross. Hopefully tomorow will be a brighter day.
Sorry I took so long to post. (More sorry to myself, since this was a test at commitment) bbbbbllllaaaaahhhhhhh I hate shortening words with letters but today is FML day. YA. FMFL. fuck my fucking life.
I needed to vent.
Love, Catherine. xxxx
