Someone, somewhere, something.

I feel like someone is painting my portrait throughout the years. Adding one trait at a time, one quality, one flaw. Like I am becoming my self more and more every day. More complete, but also more complex, detailed. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I have this weird flash when I think of something, anything really, and think "Oh yeah, this is SO me.". Or I am in the bus and suddenly I discover new things I didn't even know were part of me. Like someone, somewhere, added something on my portrait, someone working on my mind, drawing more details, like a painter. Like someone as been working on my person during the night. An external hand on this giant canvas representing my body, my mind, my soul. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make sense for everyone. It does for me. We just change over the years, we get better or worse, our skin gets darker, lighter, our laugh can gets darker or lighter too.......Like an artist who is painting, drawing, sculpting. An artist wants to achieve perfection but does he ever succeed? Is there such a thing? Are we are trying to be so fucking perfect because we are in the hands of someone else trying to make us perfect? Someone somewhere is working on me. Another one is working on you. We all are some kind of unfinished masterpiece, the big project of an artist. As you know, working too much on something sometimes makes it look worst. You went too far. You need to let it go and admire what you've done so far, appreciate it, because if you can't stop, breathe, look at it, you'll never, ever get close to perfection. Maybe you already are. Just stop being, doing, thinking too much. That's how I see it.

"The world's got me dizzy again. You'd think after 23 years I'd get used to the spin. And it only feels worse when I stay in one place. So that's why I gotta run away." Something like that. Bright Eyes.

Medley

Hola.

Definetly a bad, bad blogger. Oh well. What have I accomplished so far this summer, since my return to my beloved Montréal? Not much. OUI, I played some music. A lot of guitar actually. A lot of reading. Lame writing. Worked in a boring office, 8 to 5, monday to friday. Everything I did NOT want in a job. Why am I doing it? Because it's easy. The opportunity presented itself so out of nowhere, it was easier to say "yeah sure" then "no thanks". Because that would have mean EXPLAINING myself. Why do you not want a job? Why don't you take it? Then waste my energy explaining my reasons that are pretty good, aka ITS NOT ME, I HATE OFFICE TASKS, and I'M NOT GOOD AT STAYING BETWEEN 4 WALLS 9 HOURS A DAY. And then it would have been: Why? Why can't you do like everyone else? Life isn't just travels, and fairytales and fun Catherine. Be real. And then it would turn into an argument and I'd waste even more enery. So I said, "Yeah sure I'll do it" and "thanks".

Result : getting up at 6hrs30am every morning. Getting home. Too demoralized to do anything because of a shitty day. Procrastinate. Go to bed around 1am. Not enough sleep. Tired. Too much coffee. Yellow teeth. Shut up Catherine. At least you have a job.


Okay what else? Oh yeah so I finally, for good, decisws who's worth it, and who's not. Who deserves my attention, and who doesn't. It was hard my friends, to detach myself from the one I loved with all my heart but I think I finally did it. Hard breakup. But it's for the best. A door closed, a window open. And I think it's already opened :)


I wanna help out this friend of mine who has started a foundation called The Thirst Project. I wanna organize a show, all the benefits would go this foundation. Seth Maxwell is such an inspiring young man! He works his ass off for this foundation and I wanna have a part in its success, even just a small one. I want to contribute. I want to be a World's citizen. We all should. Anyway, here's the link http://www.thirstproject.org/

What kind of post is this anyway? I'm so all over the place.


It's stupid. I had all these ideas all week for my blog "oh I'll talk about this! and I'll write that, omigod this is great and I'll post pictures and blablabla....." FAILED. Can't remember any. I should have done it ON THE SPOT! Ugh. Okay. This weekend. Before Sunday night. I will write at least 2 more posts. Promise to myself. I will. Commitment. Oh jesus.


Enough for tonight.


I'm disgusted by my self.


Catherine
xoxo

Home not so sweet Home

Sooooo this is it. My one year trip has ended June 15th 2011. Got back to Montreal. Not feeling so good about it. "Not so good" is an understatement. I lost all motivation, energy. I just wanna leave again, ASAP. I wake up every morning feeling low low low. Cry randomly. Maybe its time to see a psy? I don't know. But I need to get the hell out before I go nutso. I need spaces and empty fields, big forests and mountains and the ocean. I'm thinking Vancouver? God I hate this feeling. Its like there's huge pressure on my shoulders that I can't take off. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I take my guitar and play and sing, then I feel like a fucking idiot with no talents at all and I wonder why I even try.

That's low isn't it? What am I doing, where am I going?? I have no more money (but okay the trip was SO worth it). I'm happy to see my family and friends tho, don't get me wrong.

I know some days I will feel better and positive and wawawa. But as of right now I can't see light. I miss the West, I miss my girls and Zach. I miss being free, by myself. Yesterday I went to Jazz festival with a friend and I was watching the bands and singers and musicians and it was just clear in my head that THIS is what I wanna do. nothing else. I don't know where to start and right now if I might be harsh to myself I just feel like a fucking LOSER. I'm probably the World's Least Confident Person. I owned this title. I'm crazy. Tomorrow I might have a YEAH I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD NOTHING CAN STOP ME moment, and then BOOM, back to the worst state of  "I'm a bum, kill me". Jesus.

I think that writing those words gives me a little "come on Kate ur better than that" motivation. I CAN DO THIS. Okay. Just, get your shit together. See? I'm nuts already.

But fuck it. I have the right to complain and be down. Today I feel fat, ugly, stupid, horrible, dumb and gross. Hopefully tomorow will be a brighter day.

Sorry I took so long to post. (More sorry to myself, since this was a test at commitment) bbbbbllllaaaaahhhhhhh I hate shortening words with letters but today is FML day. YA. FMFL. fuck my fucking life.

I needed to vent.

Love, Catherine. xxxx

Just live

What would you do if someone told you you only had one week, or one month, one year to live? I bet some of you would quit their jobs, and do everything they've always wanted to do. Every day, a holiday. Every day, a party. Every day lived fully to the max, doing everything that makes you happy. Some of you wouldn't change a thing, and live day by day like you didn't receive that hopeless verdict. Personnally, I would quit my job. I would travel. I would bring my family and friends with me. I would make love every day, all day and all night. With the one I love. I would read the books I've never had "time" to read. I would buy the cd's I've always wanted to buy. Dress however I want no matter what the occasion (my prettiest colorful dress on a rainy day). I would tell my deepest secrets to my bestfriends. I would declare my love to everyone I've ever loved. There's a lot of things I would do differently if someone told me "this is it, yours days are numbered.". My ultimate goal for every one of those days would be to make myself HAPPY. Live to the fullest. Not waste a minute of that precious life.

And right now I'm thinking, "WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WAITING FOR?!" Why don't we all do it now?! Now that we are young, healthy, passionate? What if in 2 years I'm not as spontaneous, and miss on things because I don't have the guts to do it anymore? THAT, is scary. Why would we wait until the ultimatum to do everything that would makes us happy? I mean, let's live it, let's do it, and then when we get old, when we get sick, we can look back down memory lane and appreciate the things we have done? We can slow down, relax, have one on one time with the loved ones and just enjoy the time we have left.

No matter what you would do if someone told you you only had one week, one month, one year left to live, make sure that RIGHT NOW, you live in the moment, live in the present, and make yourself happy. Don't think too much ahead. Just breathe, and just live. Happiness is just around the corner. Don't wait for it to come to you, go for it.

Love,

Catherine

Rainy day

RAIN. It's raining here in Calgary, and it totally reflects my mood. Nope, today isn't a bright day. I wish my mind had an umbrella. You know, protecting it from the rain and sadness. Keep it clear, dry, untouched. I dunno if I make sense here but I don't care. One word : Confusion. I'm confused. What went wrong? Why can't I express myself freely without someone taking offense in every single word I say. It's like scrutinizing my personnal life and story and judging, assuming, deciding what/why/how it is. You aren't inside my head, you can't understand me entirely, you can't hop to the conclusions by simply reading something about my PAST.

Can we leave the past where it is please? BEHIND us. Move on. Be smart here. Fuck. I'm so upset. I hate having to justify myself when I don't have any reasons to do so. I hate when someone is so fucking stubborn that anything you say just go through one ear to the other. No effort in trying to understand. Nope, none. They decide what you said, what you meant, what it means now, and it's done. Well you know what? When that happens, I just wanna say "Fine, fuck you and eat shit". Jesus. I have no more patience for this. Believe whatever the fuck you want, if that's what you want. Everyone has baggage. Now when you meet someone you gotta expect that. I don't even know what I'm saying write I'm just too frustrated. Done with the games. Grow up and when you know something's real don't throw it away, you idiot. Tabarnack de sacrament de caliss d'esti d'criss. Réveilles, connard. I hate showing love to someone who will just take it whenever he feels like it. Live the moment, let the past be the past. Even if past means 2 days ago, 2 years ago, 2 hours ago. Enjoy the present.

Have a nice day.

SASKATCHEWAN, TU M'AS PRIS MA FEMME!!!!!!!!

Okay so looks like I'm not very good at commitment. Sorry blog, bloggers, readers, friends. Almost a month has passed since my last post. I just got back from Saskatchewan!! Swift Current, if I shall be specific. Absolutely amazing weekend. First of all, I got to see my amazing friend Whitney. Man, that's when you realize how much someone means to you. When you don't see them often, and you know they're far, and you miss them so bad, because you were used to have them close to you. We went to her dad's farm, where I drove a truck and a dirtbike (applause) which is quite impressive since I don't have any kind of driver's license and scrap my face every time I hop on my bicycle (no engine, just the pedals).

I saw the flatness of Sask, and I'm not saying that in a negative way. It is SO beautiful!!!!!! I took an overnight bus so I got there around 6hrs30am, and the sunrise was magical. Same for the sunset. Gorgeous. It was like a movie scene, the girl in the bus, escaping her life and admiring the beauty of nature while listenning to some indie rock band and ballads, wondering about her future, taking a trip down memory lane, smiling to herself and picturing the face of the people she loves, has loved, soon-to-be-loved. I enjoy long roadtrip. I enjoy short roadtrip as well. Anyways.

So I got there, at the bus depot, look up and saw this face looking at me too and smiling and I felt a little rush of excitement, happiness, contentment, you know the feeling, its a fucking great one. Then, hop in the car, got a nice little tour of that small town, got to the house, jump on my Whit's bed and probably choked her a little by squeezing her hard. We recorded a cute morning voice note to our incredible friend Jessica. I saw donkeys, I saw goophers, cows, horses, ducks, goose, moose. The whole thing my friends. Not gonna go into more details, but GEE did I have a good time!!!!!!! And I got a new tattoo. A little peacock's feather, black and grey. Pretty.

I think the planets have aligned, finally. I somehow can see a little more clearly. The fog dissipates slowly, but surely. I realize I'm surrounded by the absolute greatest people in the whole world. There is NO one in my life that I can complain about. That I have negative things to say about. Nope. It's like the crew of ninja cool slash master of amazingness slash can't believe I have them in my life slash they make me feel like a million bucks slash I'd give my life to every single one of them. These people are like, the center of MY Universe. Then comes the people who are still pretty cool, not ninja class tho, and very nice and all, but that I have not that same connection and I'd probably hesitate before taking any bullets and/or arrows straight through me to save their lives. These people are like, I don't know, the.........little planets that gravitates around King Universe. Make sense? See my point? Perfect. Or "Excellent", as one of the center of my universe would say.

My heart is beating fast and furious again. I'm so passionate about life, about everything that's going on. I don't wanna miss a thing. I can't wait for Whit to come back to Calgs for grad, I can't wait for my universe to be complete again. My heart is beating loud, and I can't stop thinking about.......about.........yeah dammit. What, you think I would let all my little secrets slip away here?! You're nutso.

I fell in love at a Greyhound Bus Depot....

Love,

Catherine.

We'll All Float On

And we'll all float on, okay.....



Bad news come, don't you worry even when it lands.....

Good news will work its way to all them plans........

Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way........

Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy......

Alright, now don't you worry, we'll all float on, we'll all float on alright.

Float On, by Modest Mouse.

Just whatever.

I think one of the reasons I left Montreal is because I was sick of trying to be someone I am not. To please the crowd, please my friends, my family. I think people around me always thought I'd be the one to get a quiet simple job, a family with 2-3 kids, a house, all that kind of things.

I don't think I've ever shown them my adventurous side, my wild side. I don't know why. Maybe I got scared they wouldn't approve of my desire to explore, to do things differently. I've always been an A student, good grades, good behaviors, lots of friends, blablabla. Thought I'd go straight to University, get my degree, get a job, get married, have a bunch of kids and whatnot.

But that is far from what I want. I'm 23. I don't know what I wanna do, I don't wanna stress about it, because I don't wanna rush into decisions that I will regret. I'm living day by day and so far I'm very happy with what I do. I met such nice people here in the West, I discovered so much about myself. I realized I'm stronger than I thought, I'm more responsible, I can do things way better on my own. I'm proud to be different here in Calgary. French-Canadian. YEAH!!!!!!! I have more of an "artist soul" that I thought I have.

 I wanna feel free. The only contradiction here is that, I am an eternal, hopeless romantic, and love and relationships are taking a lot of my energy. It brings me down too. I give it too much importance. I need to let go, let go of the obviously wrong one. Okay maybe he isn't the wrong one, but right now, he obviously doesn't know what he got, and I'm trying to force him to see it, and he knows, but whatever. That's another story. What I'm trying to say is that I should be like "fuck off. I deserve better." and even though I said it out loud, I secretly hope that he'll come around, on one knee, say sorry for everything he did and tell me how much he loves me and how amazing I am. See?! Dammit.

And it's not like I'm alone. Oh no!! K, that sounds pretentious, but hey, I like to think that I am a pretty girl, and to prove that, I get hit on all the time, get multiple phone # whenever I go out, so I guess that means I'm not too bad to look at, right? So I don't fear to be alone. And I actually enjoy being alone. I don't know what it is.

It takes me forever to be comfortable with someone, to feel good and trust someone, and I don't wanna have t go through all that hard and long process again with someone new. And right now I'm still (unfortunately) in love with that stupid asshole. YA I SAID IT. ASSHOLE. He has changed, he used to be nothing like an asshole. Anyways. Wow I needed to vent. Back on track baby, I'm single, I'm pretty, and there's so much out there for me!!

Boy, you're gonna miss me.

Love,

Catherine

xxxx

Tangled up

Lies. Lies. Lies. More lies. All tangled up in your lies. Someone please make my heart as cold as ice.

 I can't go forward, you're keeping me close and I can't move on. Every time I take a step you pull me back. It's like invisible strings, and you're pulling them in the distance.

You cut one string, I have more freedom, I can move, I can breathe and I can think. You cut one more and I feel like I'm losing my balance. I kinda like it, I get used to it. I want more space, I want to run, take a few, a lot more, steps forward. Then, you come back, pull another string, wrap another one, add a couple, and I'm back to where I was.

Let me be careless please.

At some point in your life, you start to realize who truly cares about you. You might not be close with them, but for some strange reason, they have found something in you that makes them want to stand by your side no matter what.

The sad thing is that sometimes, the people YOU care about the most, the ones you give your everything, well they don't care about you. They might be pretending, you might believe they are when they are not. Or maybe, MAYBE, they really do, but they aren't good at showing it so then how can you believe they really do care? I'm skeptical about that last one though. To me, it's not hard to show someone I care about them. I'm far from being perfect, but I put lots of energy to show the people I love how much I care about them, just to make sure, when the hard times come, that they know I'll be by their side, no matter what.

I guess at some point you have to let go. If it's not worth it, if they don't give a sh*t about you, let go. It makes it even harder to do so, because YOU CARE. You wish you didn't. You wish you could forget about them and erase them of your life. Some old friends I had in the past hurt me. More than anyone ever did. They betrayed me, they stabbed me in the back, but I still care about them. I really do. I will always be there, and as cheesy as it might sound, it's true. I don't know what's going on in their lives, but if they ever need me again, I will be there by their side, no matter what.

And then you wish, "maybe they just didn't know how to show it".

Into the Wild

Ever watched that movie called "Into the Wild"? If not, stop any activities you're doing right now, no matter how important it might be, and go buy it. Not rent it, BUY IT. It's a masterpiece. Inspirationnal, great, truly amazing movie. A real story, it will makes you want to get out of your house and go on a solo roadtrip. If it doesn't have that effect on you, I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll still find it pretty incredible. And let's be honest. Emile Hirsch is not bad to look at. Not bad at all. Oops I think I have a crush, can someone hook me up?

K everyone, get your backpack ready for an adventure.

Love,

Kate

I'm in love.

Ps. I'm listening to the whole album of Hanson - Middle of Nowhere. Yeah. The brothers singing Mmmbop.

Way away

Some days I wanna scream to everyone who even just look at me to leave me the fuck alone. Don't even talk to me, don't stare at me, don't smile, forget that I even exist and give me a fucking break. I wish I could just walk and walk non stop, to another province, another country, get lost in the forest, swim in the ocean without feeling the tiredness, climb a mountain, all alone with my thoughts. Don't try to understand me, don't try to make me feel good. I can become so irritated by the most insignificant things..... like right now. STUPID PHONE BETTER STOP RINGING. I'm on edge. Right now, right this moment, I need the outdoors, the calm and the sounds and noises of the nature. I miss the beach.

How the HECK do I start a blog?!

Hi?
I've been flirting with the idea of writing a blog since I read the book "The Happiness Project" (So inspiring, so good, highly recommend it!!) a couple months ago. Since I'm a real procrastinator, it took me a while to write those first words. But THERE WE GO!!!!!!! Tadaaammmm.....it's done. I can't backtrack. I don't know exactly what my motivations are, but anyway, I'm doing it!! I heard it's super therapeutic.....It's kinda fun too. So far. I don't have the technological skills to fully understand how to do this (I'm freakin lost. what's an HTML?) but I'll try reaaaal hard to commit to this blog and write at least 2-3 times a week. I started the writing of a book 5 years ago, still working on it (told ya imma procrastinator) and I thought, why not start a blog, see if people like to read my posts, see if I truly enjoy writing, and then kick my own butt and finish the book.
I'm not gonna try to be funny, original, hipster, mysterious, or even ENTERTAIN YOU GUYS. It's a personnal project, an open journal, where I can vomit on paper (computerized paper) every thoughts that come to my mind. Hopefully, some of you will like it. I'd LOVE some feedback too. Be harsh, brutally honest. I'm trying to be a little less sensitive, you know, less emotionally affected by what other people thinks, and transform the critics into advices. USE them. Get better at what I do and the way I do it. 
I'm also in a circle of spiritual crisises since last year, or maybe the year before. I wanna run, I wanna be far from home, from people who knows me too well, from commitment. I don't want anything to tie me down, I just want to make my life "mine", enjoy every second of it, do whatever the hell I want, right the minute it crosses my mind.
Kk. Also, know that I'm French Canadian, and SO PROUD to be one. I hear you, "why the hell you writing in english, you idiot". Well because pretty much everyone understands English, but not many people understand French, and I want to be accessible to a large group of fellow bloggers and readers. But I'll use my french that's for sure. Ps I just spilled coffee all over myself, my sofa and my book (My War, Killing Time in Iraq by Colby Buzzell) so I don't know why that would be interesting for you to know, but as I said before, I'm gonna write every single thing I want, interesting or not.
Welcome to my life. Aha soooooooo CHEEZY. Totally.
Enjoy, cheers, love, and have a very nice day <3

Catherine
xx
Ps sorry if my writing sucks, if my vocabularly isn't very evolved, if my use of verb tenses is wrong, if my grammatical skills are non-existent and if I'm about as good at this as a 7years old first essay. English is NOT my 1st language.