I think one of the reasons I left Montreal is because I was sick of trying to be someone I am not. To please the crowd, please my friends, my family. I think people around me always thought I'd be the one to get a quiet simple job, a family with 2-3 kids, a house, all that kind of things.
I don't think I've ever shown them my adventurous side, my wild side. I don't know why. Maybe I got scared they wouldn't approve of my desire to explore, to do things differently. I've always been an A student, good grades, good behaviors, lots of friends, blablabla. Thought I'd go straight to University, get my degree, get a job, get married, have a bunch of kids and whatnot.
But that is far from what I want. I'm 23. I don't know what I wanna do, I don't wanna stress about it, because I don't wanna rush into decisions that I will regret. I'm living day by day and so far I'm very happy with what I do. I met such nice people here in the West, I discovered so much about myself. I realized I'm stronger than I thought, I'm more responsible, I can do things way better on my own. I'm proud to be different here in Calgary. French-Canadian. YEAH!!!!!!! I have more of an "artist soul" that I thought I have.
I wanna feel free. The only contradiction here is that, I am an eternal, hopeless romantic, and love and relationships are taking a lot of my energy. It brings me down too. I give it too much importance. I need to let go, let go of the obviously wrong one. Okay maybe he isn't the wrong one, but right now, he obviously doesn't know what he got, and I'm trying to force him to see it, and he knows, but whatever. That's another story. What I'm trying to say is that I should be like "fuck off. I deserve better." and even though I said it out loud, I secretly hope that he'll come around, on one knee, say sorry for everything he did and tell me how much he loves me and how amazing I am. See?! Dammit.
And it's not like I'm alone. Oh no!! K, that sounds pretentious, but hey, I like to think that I am a pretty girl, and to prove that, I get hit on all the time, get multiple phone # whenever I go out, so I guess that means I'm not too bad to look at, right? So I don't fear to be alone. And I actually enjoy being alone. I don't know what it is.
It takes me forever to be comfortable with someone, to feel good and trust someone, and I don't wanna have t go through all that hard and long process again with someone new. And right now I'm still (unfortunately) in love with that stupid asshole. YA I SAID IT. ASSHOLE. He has changed, he used to be nothing like an asshole. Anyways. Wow I needed to vent. Back on track baby, I'm single, I'm pretty, and there's so much out there for me!!
Boy, you're gonna miss me.
Love,
Catherine
xxxx
